A night of nightmares

A night of party cups of liquor, fill my heart with happiness
The adventure of drinking and friends, bring memories I'll never forget
I catch your attention not thinking the consequences
Your hands touch me and now the horror starts
One too many chugs of whiskey, my mind is foggy
I'm yelling for help, but she's too wasted to hear
I tell you to stop I don't want this
You have a girl and I have me
I start to panic in hope it wont go far
A party of fun ends of a night of too much
They blame me we were both drinking
I'm told I probably said yes in the beginning
But I cried no, begging you to get off
Did he not hear me or feel me trying to run
Now I'm violated, my body feels dirty
I don't feel safe anymore she's not private anymore
When they ask me how many partners I've had
Does him violating my vagina count?
Do I mention his name?
One too many drinks of whiskey.
I pour jack down the drain, blaming the liquor for the night
All the memories tattooed in my mind, I need to drink them away
But all the whiskey I tossed out the door
I can't stop yelling for help as I continue to drown in my tears.

I've never been in love with anyone but you

My heart seems to beat faster only in your presence

Although we sit afar and our lips don't touch

My heart is still in your possession

And my memories are stuck to those we made

Everyday I pray for you and me to become an us

Because every moment with you is a moment I wish never ends

A moment that could last us a lifetime 

Because forever you'll hold my heart.

For the longest time I believed these words in the poem, that you were the one that helped me breath and the one that I needed in order to go on. Now I post this poem and realize that baby your my past, one that yes I fell in love with but I'm done holding on to the little bit of string your throwing down at me. My love will be accepted open handily with someone else. We did end and I'm done holding on to those memories.

Meaning of the tatts

Scorpion- It tells you that I can be dangerous when I want to be, I can sneak up on you. Now my scorpion has been told to have some defaults but life isn't perfect especially mine. I really like my tattoo because it's me, behind the ear because I long to catch someone who wants to find the inner makings of my mind. It's simple and to the point because I can be the most simplest person one can meet, I'm not waiting around for the fairy tale instead I'm waiting for reality. But more importantly it lets you know my personality of being a scorpion.

Skull wit bow- I have a thing for skulls and rock. I think that getting my tattoo on my foot of my skull it brings forth the other side of me. The one that loves rocking out and having it on my foot just brings forth the idea of tapping my foot to good music. Yet the skull is designed with heart eyes to show that I am looking for a love but not really looking for the traditional love story.

Irie Star- I want it on my wrist so I can remind myself of the things that high school brought forth to me. Many friendships but also some pain that I thought I wouldn't get through and instead of having just faint scars on my wrist i place a star. Red to remind me of a fierce friend I had that showed me how to feel, green to bring forth my loving friend that showed me how to be unique and out there and yellow because I'm a mellow person and sometimes during party times you need to remember that.

A recent tatt that I just got the idea for was getting little figures on my fingers.

Hugging fingers- Shows that I don't need anyone but myself to get through life. Having the hugging fingers reminds me that as long as I have myself i can get through anything that life throws at me. And not man or other person can confort me like myself.

As life goes on my heart tends to get more fragile each time,
The knives you stabbed in my back have finally numbed away,
I've become immune to al your lies
Nothing can change the way I feel for you
The damage has been done and I'm moving on
Your words are just a wast of space
They mean nothing anymore
The friendship card was always played
but the player card is the one you were dealing
Over and over again I fell for the games
The game of your meaningless lies.

"Apricot Blossoms"

Apricot Blossoms=Timid Love.


           He's what I've been waiting for. Someone that I've build in my dreams many times. How did you walk into my life and fit in so perfectly? Everything was falling into place, you accepted my past and wanted me in the present. Now where do we go, when this may in a couple of months? I'm scared to give you my all, I've done it only one time before and I still hurt from it. But your like the band-aid I've needed, to take all the pain from the past way. I stop falling so easily but i can't stop myself from falling for you. I want to show you to the world, but I also want to keep you my little secret. :)
           It's better to love and lost than never been loved at all, my friends reminded me. When you meet a guy that knocks you off your feet all you want to do is keep them under your bed. You gave me the option to keep you longer, but keeping you from your dreams would be something I can never do to you. Our timid love is something that we'll figure out slowly, for now i'll enjoy the dates, and all the surprise visits i get. Baby wish you'd never have to go.

:)

glassed in.

Living through a glass pane I feel stuck.
I continue seeing my life fly by me as I fall into the atmosphere.
I want to yell, and feel how living feels.
But the way i'm living
Isn't the way I want to continue going on
A bystander in my own life how is this possible?
Missing the biggest moments of my life
Not cherishing them to the maximum
I can't love anymore
I have no clue if what I see going on with you is love
How can I feel when your on the other side?
I need to break from this glass and run out of here.

I'll be there for you-leaving it in ur hands

"I'll Be there for you"- Bon Jovi

          This is one of my all time favorite songs if I had to choose. I think it's because I grew up with it and was baking in the oven when my parents went to their concert. I wish I was lucky enough to see them life when they were still this amazing. Even though to me they still are to my dad they aren't as goof as when he was younger and I wish I could have gone to their concert with him. Now that would have been an awesome experience. 

           But these lyrics are very deep, it's very to to an extent that I can relate to them. Love is suicide, you give yourself forth so much to a person thinking that you should put them before yourself almost loosing your own dignity. But for what a heart break there is a book my friend is reading that is based on the idea that we need to let god find us our love story instead of making ourselves seeking the fairy tale love stories. So starting to day i'm stepping back and I think Its time I trust god in seeking me my story and till them I will stay busy with all my work and school things. That is the more important thing other than guys. 

            Although I know no one reads these but it's like a journal for me. And if someone does read these but doesn't comment, well i'm sorry that they aren't poems like my link states Amz poems but it's just that I have so much on my mind I thought just writing what is on my mind is a better Idea. 

           I'm putting down the pen, over scratching out relationships that ended in heart break

           It's time to let someone else take over the writing for awhile, even if it means sidelining for a bit.

           I know he knows better than I do what I need in life

           Even if it means no love for awhile I know his love is all I need to survive

           Trusting the pen of my story in another's hand is a relief 

           Lets me sit back and continue my life studying harder

           If patience is a virtue then I'll wait till he leads you my way

           So for now my Romeo will have to wait for the lord to lead him my way

           I'm done rushing 

           The only relationship I need is the one between me and the lord

           So I'm leaving my love story in your hands

           Because I trust in you lord.